theCara

Comedying and caffeinating

323 notes

Harry Potter by Ayn Rand = awesome

mallelis:

"Give me your wand, boy," Voldemort hissed.
"Wealth is the product of man’s capacity to think," Harry said bravely.
Voldemort gasped.
"There is a level of cowardice lower than that of the conformist: the fashionable non-conformist."
Voldemort began to melt.
"The smallest minority on earth is the individual. Those who deny individual rights cannot claim to be defenders of minorities."
Voldemort howled.
"I’m going to sell copies of my wand at an enormous markup," Harry said, "and you can buy one like everyone else."
Voldemort had been defeated.
"He hated us for our freedom," Ron said.
"No, Ron," Harry said. "He hated us for our free markets."
Hermione ached with desire for the both of them to master her, but nobody paid any attention. They had empires to build.
Ayn Rand’s Harry Potter

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Beaumont cheerleaders lawyer up to save Bible-themed banner messages

1) They say “imposing San Francisco liberalism in every community in Texas” like it’s a bad thing. How dare we spread freedom!

2) Freedom of religion, except religions that aren’t mine! Will we still hear from their lawyer if an opposing cheer squad displays Koran banners at high school football games?

3) San Francisco isn’t without its Christian icons - just ask the participants every Easter in the famed “Hunky Jesus” contest in Dolores Park.

4) Can the next euphemism for “gay” be “friend of Dolores Park?” Just because.

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Can I address my comedy audience with “What’s up privileged white people!” as long as I’m a privileged white person?

Asking for a friend.

theCara

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I like to think of 9/11 as the day we Americans were finally allowed to open a can of whoop ass on airplane hijackers. #Optimist
#Flight93 #NeverForget
theCara

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Performing Wednesday, June 19 - Jason Mack Presents Real Live Comedians

Jason’s a good friend of mine, a fun comedian and fabu comedy producer. I’m excited to be in this show as an “also”!

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Glorious Friday schadenfreude

1) Lil’ Wayne’s show in Concord, CA is selling so poorly it’s on Groupon
2) The link for the Lil’ Wayne show on Groupon is for “Counting Crows and The Wallflowers.”
3) I get to use the word schadenfreude today
4) I will never earn as much money as Lil’ Wayne has earned. However…
5) I will never have to pay as much child support as Lil’ Wayne

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Worried Obama might lose the election. Did you know up to 47% of Americans keep more of their millions in offshore accounts than Romney?
theCara

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When the Niners move to Santa Clara, instead of sounding a foghorn every TD, Siri’s voice will announce “I found 7 ways you’ve been served.”
theCara

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"We can dance if we want to. We can leave your friends behind… I say, we can go where we want to. A place where they will never find." —Men Without Hats, "Safety Dance"

More like Stranger Danger Dance to me, you creepy Canadians.

theCara

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Last week North Carolina outlawed gay marriage. So to balance things out, this week San Francisco made it legal to marry anyone, regardless of sexual orientation, except people from North Carolina.


Al Gore is thrilled, since Current TV is headquartered in San Francisco. “I’m sorry, it’s illegal for me to marry you after this massage. I’m from North Carolina”

theCara

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I am pro-life because without babies, how else would we get baby oil?
theCara

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When I was a kid, my friends were the children of my parents’ friends. Then my parents announced they were divorcing. And I was like, wait, you’ll have to make new friends? You mean I’ll have twice as many friends? Divorce is awesome!
theCara